Because I Said So...

Finally starting to enter a better mental space than last week. I dont want to say that I never wanna feel that again. I dont think its possible to hold off heartbreak in all honesty. Its a part of life that we cant avoid. But I dont ever wanna feel quite so broken down again. And dont want to put myself in that predicament again.

What still hurts the most is this loneliness. The feeling that there’s something wrong with me that doesn’t allow me to have healthy fulfilling relationships. The fear that I will always be alone in some way. I have a few friends that have proven themselves amazing in one way or another. People who have fought past my walls and depression issues to remain involved in my life. I love these people. But theres a deeper loneliness that they cant touch. However briefly it was and however horribly it ended, there was a moment when I really felt like my heart truly belonged to someone. When I felt good enough in all my faults and liabilities. When I felt a connection no one else could really understand because it was that special. I dont condone what he did to me. I will never stand for it again. Not that I even let it go on for long this time. But the feeling of losing those times when I really felt special and someone was special to me, those times when he did hold me and make me feel like my existence was all he needed. And maybe it wasnt real love. And maybe it was just because I was lonely. I dont really know but I know that it was something that I had never felt before, and thats even with the time I spent with the bf before that. Even in that year and a half did I never feel that kind of closeness, that kind of fulfillment and love. I dont know if I will ever feel that again. I was alone for 4 years before that came along. And not only did end abruptly it ended violently. That pain goes deeper than a broken heart. It goes deeper than he hurt me. It goes into a place of being alone again. Of aching for closeness and a loving touch from someone who truly and genuinely wants and loves and cares for you. I just want be held. I just want to be good enough. I just want to be what someone wants. Male or female whatever. Its not a matter of not loving myself enough. Its a matter of the loneliness threatening to eat me alive. And if I’m honest maybe there is a level of self esteem in there. The thoughts of not being good enough for anyone. But its because I dont want to settle. I dont want to be someones last resort. I dont want to be a booty call anymore. Its not like I’m ready to settle down. But I am certainly open to having feelings and exploring them. I just feel like I am worth more than a text every so often when youre lonely. I feel like I matter more than that. I feel like I deserve better. I feel like I deserve that connection with someone on my level. But I have to wonder if or when that will ever happen and if will always come with a catch, with the dysfunction that follows me always. I want someone that I can breathe with. That I dont have to put on that list of people I have walk on eggshells for. Ones that I have put on a list of settling. I’m tired of the list of people that I want that dont want me. I’m tired of wishing that I was good enough. But I guess I will work through this like I work through everything.

Been spending the last few days trying to run away from how much this hurts. Realistically I know I can’t do that. But this is testing my new found ability to process feelings in a healthy way. My trust in everything is destroyed. Including in myself. I don’t know how to pick these pieces back up again. And I’m not sure exactly how to avoid the seemingly endless line of people that want to hurt. I’m confused and so sad. So hurt. I don’t know who or what to trust at this point. Even family who say they have my best interest at heart have hurt me deeply for no other reason than not being able to process their own emotions. I don’t want to believe that its me. I don’t want to think that its because I am defective. That I don’t deserve to love and be loved. When you live your life feeling completely invisible and unwanted, a light shined is enough to make you lose yourself. I am not perfect. I have issues and baggage galore. But I didn’t think that meant I deserved this. I don’t want to indulge in self pity. But I do want answers. I want to understand what goes on in peoples heads thats makes it ok to hurt people like this when you say that you care. 

My heart hurts. Its heavy and my head can’t take anything else. I can’t take more disappointment. I can’t handle being let down by yet another person I love and trust. Family, friends and exes… where does it end? And am I truly destined to face the rest of this world alone?